What I originally wrote:

Alright, I'm pretty dense, if you hadn't noticed. But help but shake the feeling like, you're trying to say something more than what you're saying. Or you want to see if I have any deeper feelings for you. And I'm not going to lie, I do feel a deep connection with you. But I'm not sure what that means. I don't know if it was ever really true love, in you know the sense of the word, as it was potential for something like that.

But I never thought you could possibly feel that way about me, and even though I may have never put the pieces together that you had been in a serious relationship with [omitted]... I think I at least suspected that he had something to offer that I somehow lacked. I subconsciously picked up that you were wowed by him I guess. I guess that means I'm not completely hopeless when it comes to my naivity.

It's just so complicated... it makes me confused. Maybe you feel the same way, maybe you're sending these signals because you're going through something tough, maybe you want something to fall back on. But no, you wouldn't do that. I'm seeing things that aren't there. You're a great friend, but I'm not [omitted], and don't even know him. And sure, he's not perfect, but at least he knows who he is, he has money doesn't he? Maybe he's moody, and has some addictions or something. And people probibly say you deserve better than him, or that he doesn't appreciate you. I might appreciate you, but I'm no dream guy, certianly not yours. And I shouldn't let myself think that.

You think of me as a friend, and I always liked you... and I guess there is some part of me that has grown to love you. Than there is the logical part that says it's not meant to be, too many complications and the cynical part that says you can't have those feelings for me. And of course the conventional part that says I should just be happy with what we have.

And now is not the best time for me to say any of this, though, I suppose if you were still in that relationship it would be worse. Yeah, I think I have been emotionally in love with you, and I still am. And if you don't want to deal with that, just tell me not to talk with you anymore and I respect that. I'm not really boyfriend material. But I'm pretty sure this [omitted] character is much better, well, at least he captured your heart...

What i ended up writing instead:

Feelings are confusing.

Sure I could have sent that first draft, she would have thought I was crazy, never talked to me agian. But it would have been for the best no matter the result, wouldn't it have been? clear away the tension, get all that anxiety, emotion and desperation that's on my mind cleared out of the way. But no, I couldn't do that... as always I'm stuck avoiding my problems. And so I must suffer. Or I could tell her, at this point in time, when she's obviously looking for a guy to fall back on. And than I'll still be anxious and worried that she doesn't feel the

same. So I suffer. Or she would just stop talking to me...

Would that solve the problem. Would I forget that I'm such an idiot about all this if I didn't talk with her anymore. Nah I'd still suffer. Life is suffering, the way of the eight fold path, yup... and I'm just going to end up reincarnating and dealing with all this shit in my next life. I should tell her how I feel. But the problem is, I don't trust my own emotions. I'm afraid the reasons I think I could fall in love with her, and I'm not really in love with her. I'm in love with the prospect of a relationship or something.

I think that love is a reaction to the fear of being alone. I thought I could live with being alone, but I actually think it's starting to wear on me. That's my best explanation for now. Or maybe I'm pessimistic and cynical because so many people in my life keep dying.

Alternative title: Blunderful.