So some girl sent me a message from the internet who actually lives in the next town over. I actually get a lot of messages if you're willing to believe that. I'm on many sites and if you're in enough places you're going to end up catching the attention of at least a few people.

And at this point all I expect is to make friends but there are a lot of sites out there that say they're about making new friends but I get all these messages from the opposite sex. And I'm not entirely sure they're on the same page.

I've taken the MBTI Test, I'm an INTP, we're not exactly the most open and trusting types. Introverted, iNtuitive, Thinking, Perceiving... nerdy, phlegmatic, imaginative, objective, anxious, awkward and distrustful. But now that all my friends have gone off to do other things far from where I live I've been hoping I'd somehow make new friends. Since my brother's death The closest people to me that I consider friends live as far away as Portland, that's like a forty minute drive.

So when I get a friend request from a person the next town over I find myself going against every instinct to meet them. Do I think they're dangerous? No, not at all. But I don't think that they really want to meet me. And it makes sense, I'm the guy, she's the girl. I'm a couple years older... she has every right to be distrustful of me. But I want to meet this girl because they seem nice, I suppose... or maybe I'm just desperate. Not for love, but for a friendship. To actually speak with a person face to face, someone who is around my age.

I just wish she'd actually send me a message or try and take a little initiative. It makes me feel like a creeper if I'm the only one trying to contact her. I'm afraid if I try too hard that's what she'll think and i couldn't live with that. That's why so many of my friendships fail, I have to give them space... and than before i know it that space has grown into such a void that I can no longer make the effort to cross it. It was hard enough for me before.

So I find myself being assertive in this case and it feels so unnatural. I want to meet them in person, but is it really that important? She contacted me first, it was the only way I'd have talked to her, and it's a part of the reason why i can continue to do so for now. We did agree to meet but it was a mess, and it didn't really happen. I went to the spot, I knew she had gotten the message but I don't think she ever intended to meet. I think it was too short notice though, but what if she has decided that it's not worth it to meet me in person. Maybe I've come off too strong and creeped her out.

In our online dialogues she comes off as amiable and says I think too much. She said "If you don't want to meet up, I understand." in our last conversation. And now I'm over thinking again. To me, this is projection, she doesn't want to meet me and she's saying so by suggesting I wouldn't want to meet up with her.

No, I can't give into such pessimism, I will try to keep in contact with her until she says straight up with me that she doesn't want anything to do with me. I will ignore my fears this time! I suspect that when we meet though, friendship will be the best result. Back to the myers briggs assessment. I haven't asked her to take the test. I'd rather get to know her from being with her and talking to her than to start from the test. Though I can't help but speculate....

So that was my angsty journal entry for the season. I hate when I start getting my hopes up. But if I don't try to suppress my cynicism and bitterness than I'll never grow as a person, and I'll never discover the reason that i am compelled to keep at it. There is a reason.