I have abandonment issues.

Is it because my father was neglectful, my mother was emotionally detached? Well, that'd be an over statement... actually my childhood was midly pleasant, not unbearable. I hardly remember it but I don't think back on it with foreboding dread. And yet I don't trust people. On those very very rare occurrences (I can think of one true situation in which this has happned) woman tries to tell me she loves me, I will not believe her. If she doesn't make an all out effort in the relationship to make me feel like she cares, if she doesn't call me at least once every other day, if she doesn't pick up the phone when I try to call her, if she shows up late when we're supposed to meet... it all adds up. I become paranoid. She doesn't love me, she's going to leave me. I find the relationship machine and press the self destruct button.

It's not as bad with male friends, but it's still an issue. I'm critical of what they say, how they say it... and I'm not quick to warm up to anyone regardless of whether there male or female or whether or not this is a friendship or a more intimate relationship.

But hey, we all have our issues. I'm just setting the scene for my theory. I mentioned before that I have no idea where I get the idea that people are destined to leave me. In part it's very true, we all ultimately die. It's inescapable. But you know what has always abandoned me, my whole life. Words, you're probably confused. "But Eric, you like words." I do like words, I love words... I trusted words. And I'll always come back to words... and yet when i need them, when I need to be clever and witty... when i need to be intelligent and deep... they're gone.

I meet a girl online, she thinks I'm genius, she likes my sense of humor. When we spoke online the words came to me, they're clever, they're brilliant, they're caring... sometimes even flirtatious. And she agrees to meet me in person. Some how we find each other in the same room... and I don't know what to say. I don't know where my words are. Why did they ditch me, where are they... they've abandoned me, they've left me here alone when i need them. Without my words I'm awkward, uncomfortable...I'm slow and dull. She's not impressed. Where are my jokes, my bizarre concepts and ideas how can I express my quirky lovable self that was expressed in writing in the cybersphere. The man who spoke those words didn't seem to be the one who met her in the coffeeshop.

Without the words I have nothing.

And they abandon me all too often. I need them, and I trust them to get me through. If I can't trust my words to be there for me not only am I helpless in a relationship but also if my most trusted ally would betray me who can I trust.