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Entry #145

Fortunate friends.

2013-04-04 17:26:35 by NeverHundred

Eric's sitting alone for dinner again, he doesn't have any friends to sit with. All he has is his beef and brocoli, veggie curry and rice. Also a fortune cookie. Dinner finished it's time to talk to Mr. Cookie.
"Hello Fortune Cookie, what words of wisdom do you have for me today." Eric listlessly announces. He gently breaks the cookie into two neat little pieces. Tragically, it had to be done. The cookie responds, "When you can't naturally feel upbeat, sometimes it helps to act as if you did."
"Thanks cookie, you're a true friend. Maybe even my only friend... perhaps my best friend. But you're still a cookie so now I must eat you." Eric explains, as he lifts the confectionary toward his mouthface.
"Whoa!" The cookie exclaims. "I thought you said we were friends. Do you eat all your friends?" The cookie protests attempting to stall the inevitable. But his cries are in vain.
"I'm sorry cookie, this is just the way things are." Eric says with tears streaming from his face. "There can be no other way!" And so Eric had to eat his only friend.


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2013-04-04 20:19:51

Sad sad tale. Misfortune cookie.

NeverHundred responds:

I met someone I seem to have a really deep and meaningful connection with. They even finish all my sentences. I think I might be in love... with google.


2013-04-05 05:26:19

I hope he gets a new cookie. :(

NeverHundred responds:

Someday... but I'm not sure he's ready to jump back into the game just yet.


2013-04-05 17:17:38

You're in love with Google Autocomplete? Me, I turn it off... sexually.

In time, computers will be our Mistresses. Scary times indeed.

But obviously not 'dark' and scary times, because we will get plenty of light through the monitor screen and we will be able to see our moniker's gleam.

NeverHundred responds:

You think we're not at that point already?


2013-04-05 17:30:34

I have a feeling that the cookie will one day make a comeback and bring all of his friends, then exact a brutal and harrowing rampage of revenge.

The cookies will have their way, one day.

NeverHundred responds:

Confectionary confessions.


2013-04-05 20:24:03

Affectionate Confectionary is the sweetest thing.

NeverHundred responds:

Some say, others say OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM!!!


2013-04-07 15:40:18


NeverHundred responds:



2013-04-07 20:36:11

Would you rather have friends in high places or enemies in low crawl spaces?

NeverHundred responds:

The ones who fell through the crack... now they have crack addictions.


2013-04-08 17:23:17

The ones who fell through the cracks of society.

I'm addicted to pork joints, apparently I have a crackling addiction.

NeverHundred responds:

do you smoke those joints?


2013-04-09 14:29:28

No, in fact, they smoked me!!

See what I did there? Geddit? I flipped the words... and ended with no punchline.

And that's what makes it funny.

But to seriously answer your question. I don't smoke joints, figuratively, literally, multilaterally, nationally. I had to gradually ration my food. No more luxuries.

NeverHundred responds:

Why would you ration your food when you could food your rations. Fwatch%3Fv%3Duv38m36-nsU&start=0


2013-04-10 13:35:10

Maybe I could make suits out of my rations.

Now that's what I call fashion.

NeverHundred responds:

You should do whatever suits you.


2013-04-15 14:16:52

I'm the first ever fashion guru to use food as fabric. But you have to be very careful of other people having a pick or a nibble at your forbidden fruit. I lost a banana in the conflict.

Thankfully, my testicles remain intact... Or should I say, In Sacs.

NeverHundred responds:

You lie! _dress_of_Lady_Gaga


2013-04-15 22:02:24

I'm the first ever fashion guru to lie about using food as fabric.

You could say that I fabricated the whole thing.

NeverHundred responds:

You win this round. Now I'm nothing but a misanthrope who has lost all hope.


2013-04-17 20:30:07

You will be back, once you meet that shadowy figure in the back alley, he'll talk you out of suicide (just as I've paid him to do) and you will return full of confidence, renewed hope and vigour, ready for round two of this Mysterious Contest that pits us against each other in front of a mass audience of four Taiwanese Panthers.

I think the contest involves us both running for our lives before we get eaten. Or even worse, we get sent to Eton College to study The Intricate Forms of Nervous Breakdancing.

Can't Touch This! Hammer Time!

NeverHundred responds:

Screwdriver time! Without the orange juice.


2013-04-18 23:31:41

Orange Jews.

(Updated ) NeverHundred responds:

Oh range. The range I once called home. A range in vocal dynamics.


2013-04-19 19:28:07

The range I once ate. Vocal dynomnomnomics.

NeverHundred responds:

They say that the devil having failed to destroy the human race with nuclear warheads, toxic waste and elevator music has turned to credit card debt as his next move. It seems to be pretty effective.


2013-04-19 23:36:44

Daemon Tools.

I'd like to accuse the devil of doing these things, but instead of that, how about we accuse 'ze human beings' of doing these things to themselves?

We are all Satan's offspring.

Some people choose to destroy the human race by planting bombs at the finish line.

NeverHundred responds:

That's my last coke!