Today is someone's birthday. Someone who's left a monumental impact on my life and a hole in my heart.
It's been a little more than six months since I last saw her. She claimed to love me even as she told me that what we had was over. This ambiguous message has denied me any chance of closure. Instead of admitting that the feelings she had for me were fictitious, she shut me out of her life. Bridges burned, the fires whirled up in a frenzy extending toward friendships. What once was fertile soil for amity became volatile and corrosive.
Still, how can I forget the sweet words she whispered to me. Her gentle touch, her melodic voice and her green eyes. As a person who quickly winces and cowers away from the intensity that eye contact brings. Looking into those pools of tranquility somehow gave me the opposite effect that I'd been accustomed to. It comforted me, I could feel safe when I was with her.
I had been allowed bond that I had always alluded me. I experienced a connection I had long since given up on. She made what was impossible a reality.
I never claimed she was perfect. She was indecisive and she had her weaknesses and her vices, we all do. Despite her insecurities, and the dreadful circumstances she had experienced she had talent, wit and charm. She had style, depth and intellect. For a little while she saw my own potential. Perjaps if she had given it more time and hadn't lacked patience she could have seen me develop.
Instead she left me, forgotten, shattered and wiped clean of the confidence I had carefully constructed since my brothers death. I had worked hard to maintain hope and idealism in the wake of tragedies. Her abandonment exposed my cynical under belly. Of course it wasn't something that occurred to her, it wasn't her intention to break me. Just a side effect of actions she felt she needed to take. It was necessary, you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet. Some vegan she turned out to be.
The break up happened so suddenly. I still can reach euphoric memories, they silently haunt my mind. They're the quiet ghosts, harmless on their own. The real poltergeists are the auspicious arrangements made. Plans to go to parks, see shows, go out together and spend time together... to bond and strengthen our relationship. Everything was just beginning, we could have built a monument. Those are the thoughts that howl at me, digging into my soul, my heart and my mind.
What could have been lies half finished, neglected and yet I can still see it. A statue that doesn't crumble, instead it corrodes everything around it. The only parting gift you could afford.
I tried to reach out once, left a single message before I left Bangor. Just as I suspected there was no response. I never ask where you are now, I try not to wonder about it. Your decision to shut me out was irrevocable. I cannot for see a future where we could look at each other in the eye. Even though your eyes where once the only ones I ever could look into.

I wont be there but I'm sure you'll have a happy birthday, Devan.