I'd like you all to turn your attention over here.

Shit fucked it up... went to bring down the volume and it slowed the track down, this put the guitar out of sync with everything else. I've ruined everything, again.

The other day I was stranded in a McDonald's parking lot, out of gas and cash. Had to kick around for a while, found it ironic that a Maine Department of Transportation vehicle parked next to the car since transportation had become so difficult for me.

No worries, panhandling saved the day.

Cute ten-year-old fourth grader. Accompanies the examiner readily. He is personable, friendly and soft spoken. Initially slightly ill at ease; relaxes significantly with familiarity. Becomes significantly more animated. Smiles readily relates vignettes about himself and his experiences. Demonstrates sense of humor. Often verbally mediates his problem solving. Enjoys a challenge in arias if strength. More worried when tasks prove difficult; grabs hair in his hand when concentrating. Mild lisp, does not effect intelligibility. Appears to toe in mildly when walking;shoelaces untied.

Significant variation in scores, ranging from approximately the tenth to ninety-fifth percentile. Most consistent strengths are in visual perceptual areas. Excellent attention to visual detail. Able to separate essential from non-essential detail. Able to use the information in problem solving. Strong spatial perception, good conceptual understanding of part/whole relationships. Strength in verbal areas as well. Strong verbal reasoning. Able to categorize and make verbal associations. Able to explain the reasons behind common events and behaviors. Good general information base and good vocabulary knowledge. Greater difficulty with rote tasks, both auditory and visual. Visual scanning within the lower end of the average range. Extremely slow copying speed. Difficulty shifting visual focus and frequently loses his place. Difficulty maintaining task set. Able to recall the symbols copied but limited memory for the association between items. Variability evident in active working memory. Limited oral arithmetic skills. Difficulty recalling the oral question; often required repetition. Limited knowledge of math facts, used fingers for equations such as six plus eight or three times eight. Even with the aid of fingers computations were often inaccurate. Good ability to repeat information vibatim; able to consistently repeat a series of six digits. Significantly poorer ability to simultaneously hold and use auditory input, unable to reverse a series longer than three digits.

Borderline teacher ratings on thought problems, social problems, withdrawn and anxious/depressed. Multiples items endorsed in attention problems scale, although overall rating within normal limits. Specific teacher endorsed behaviors of concern include: Shyness, withdrawal, fearfulness, immature behavior, preference for younger peers, poor task completion, daydreaming, difficulty following directions, confusion, lack of personal responsibility, messy work and under achievement. Specific behaviors rated as sometimes or somewhat true include preference for being alone, sadness, crying, feeling unloved, nervousness, self-consciousness, sensitivity to criticism, fear of making mistakes, mental preoccupations poor concentration, clumsiness and tardiness.

Subject is sensitive and caring. I am diffident from other kids because "They always play sports and I don't like sports. They chase girls, which I think is mean. Most of the boys in my class get into trouble, I don't get into trouble." the nicest thing about me is "I wouldn't hurt a fly and I wouldn't chase a girl." He shows concern about global issues. I wish people "Wouldn't hurt endangered animals." Sees himself as different from his peers, but not necessarily in a negative way. People think I'm "Weird. I can be a little weird sometimes. But I say that weird is a compliment." Highly creative, sees this as a characteristic valued by the family. What does your mother like best? "Things that are creative - and chocolate!" Introspective. Socially oriented Talked a great deal about friends he knew in Fryeburg as well as friends in his class. Identified a particular classmate to whom he feels particularly connected. Included him in his family drawing. "It feels like he's part of the family." Described himself as playing on the computer and engaging in elaborate fantasy game with friends. "I made up a super secret guy, his name is Superkangaroo. He hops all over the place!"

Very aware of the impact of personal issues. Discussed the difficulty of his parents' divorce; described himself as torn between both situations. "I like my mom, but I like my dad. I miss my dad but I miss my mom. So I don't know which on I should live with." (Which school do you like better) "I like the school better there, but I like my friends better here." Concluded: "I wish my father would be with my mother again."

Aware of his academic difficulties. School is: "Okay." What do you like about it? "To read." What don't you like? "Math, they say my hardest is writing." What do you think? "Yes and no. Penmanship and spelling are hard." Aware of the homework issue. Why don't you get your homework done? "Sometimes the cat plays with it." I'm sure the cat doesn't always play with it. "Sometimes I forget about it. I spend time doing other things, like going to a cookout or do all kinds of stuff. Sometimes I do the homework and forget to bring it in. Usually it doesn't get to my backpack. Sometimes I even lose the pencils and can't find one."

Discussed the issue of the need for pullout services. "I only go to cursive. My mom doesn't want me to go to extra things. I like being in class because the teacher is nice and I get to see my friends more. Plus the math teacher is strict, I don't like strict teachers."

Eric is a ten year old fourth grader of average-high average intellectual ability. who demonstrates strength in both visual and verbal areas. Eric's attention to visual detail and spatial perception are excellent. Verbal reasoning, either abstract orapplied, vocabulary knowledge and general information are also good. On a personal level, Eric is insighful and creative. Eric experiances greater difficulty with rote tasks. Auditory manipulation of rote information is difficult for him. For example although he can repeat information verbatim, he struggles to hold and use that information. Oral arithmatic is poor, Eric struggles with processing as well. Visual scanning speed is relatively slow, copying is slow and fine motor control is poor.

What remains unclear is the degree in which attention my have played a role into these findings. Although Eric appeared behaviorally attentive in the one to one setting his ability to sustain concentration on tasks of a rote nature may be inconsistent. Attention is reported to be an issue in the classroom at times. Although Eric becomes readily engrossed in conceptual and creative activities his frustration with rote repetition and frustration is limited. Eric is a youngster who tends to deal with stress by internalizing it. Social and emotional concerns my further exacerbate his inattention. withdrawal and internal distraction. An interactive cycle is created in which difficult tasks prompt increased avoidance and avoidance results in widening of skill gaps.

PS - and than the cute ten year old boy grew into this.

I want you to notice when I'm not around.

Gonna make you, make you, make you notice!

What have we learned?

Astrologa is is sitting on the schoolyard stump. She'd like to play with the other kids that she likes, but they think she's weird. She goes up to the boy she likes, Astrom. "H-h-hi." She stutters.He glares up to her from his game of scientific debate with his best friends, Quantum and Physic. He doesn't give her any more recognition than that annoyed look. "Um, well" She begins, trying to think of what the cool think to say would be. "I thought it be really groovy if..." Quantum and Physic are beginning to giggle patronizingly, Astrom's face doesn't move. It holds it's solemn look through it all. but she continues. "I think it would be cool if, you know... if you'd let me play your game? Her voice was starting to trail off, she knew it was stupid, she'd ask so many times and this time would be no different.
"Alright." Astrom says, still looking serious. Astrologa is elated. She's never been so excited in her life. But Quantom and Physics begin openly questioning this action, "She shouldn't be playing with us Sciences, she should be over there with the philosophies, or the faiths!" And Quantum stands up ready to leave, "Bah, she says she backs up her research with facts and numbers.. but it's always theoretical."
"You should talk, Quantum. What facts have you brought in for us to play with recently?" Astrom stated. Quantum quickly shut up, and sat back down.
"Okay." Having taken control of the situation Astrom turned his attention to Astrologa. "In this game, I ask you, why should Pluto be a planet?"
Astrologa smiled warmly. "That's easy. Because it adds balance to my chart. Before you found Pluto I had..." Than she was interrupted.
"You still carry that chart around with you?" Physic snickered.
"Well, yeah." She said innocently.
"Aren't you a little old to drag that security blanket with you every day." He stated spitefully, trying to make a grab for the chart. Astrologa quickly pulled it away.
"Astrologa, you were saying about pluto?"
"Oh, yes... well... without pluto there is confusion. Mars is ruled by both Aries and Scorpio, it is forced between two homes, one is masculine, fire, active... the other feminine, water, passive. Sometimes they balance each other out. But it is a bigger hassle mathematically." She concluded. "And that is why Pluto is a planet."
"But it isn't a planet." Astrom said coldly. "It's too small, it's too far out, and there are dozens just like it out there. And it doesn't add balance."
Astrologa is nearing tears. "No. no. no! Pluto has to be a planet!" She shrieks. "No it cant' it can't be that way!!"
"Sorry, it is that way."Astrom states matter of factly.
"And... and... you need to find more planets. Where is Valcan?" She asked angrily.
"I don't know, ask some star trek nerds. They're always bothering me with that shit." Astrom stated, completely serious.
"No, not like that. We need a planet for Venus to rule! And than it wont need to be in Taurus. That should be earths planet anyway." She complained.
"Listen, I know how your little chart works, perhaps even better than you. The farther the planet is the slower it moves about the chart. If we found a ninth..."
"Tenth!" Astrologa tried to correct.
"Ninth!!!" Astrom stated loudly and firmly. "If we found another planet out there, and it fits our description of a planet than we'll be sure to call it Valcan, hell last time we diverged from the roman god shit we ended up with Uranus, and nobody wanted that."
"No, it's not fair!" she yelled, "You're cheating!" She than turned and stomped off.
And what was the point of that?" Physic asked Astrom.
Quantum answered. "I thought it was kind of entertaining. And you sure proved her wrong Astrom." Than Physic and Quantum began laughing at and mocking Astrologa. But Astrom just coldly watched her as she stormed off, and he thought to himself... how could he ever tell her his true feelings. Sure, he thought most of her ideas were silly. But she had tried to take his numbers, his planets, everything he had worked on. She tried to give them meaning. How couldn't he appreciate that, in some strange little way.Somehow, he had fallen in love with her.
She hated him though, and he wished she could have seen the love letter he had put right in front of her. Why did he take Pluto off the planets roaster. It wasn't because of science, it was because of love. But she hadn't even taken note of it. Putting Pluto back in with Mars in Aries, two opposing personalities. It was him and her. And that was what he was trying to say to her this whole time. But that was the only way he knew how.
...of course now she must hate him. Oh well, science heals all wounds.

I want to think back to a time of love. About the girl I loved, I feel confident that I can write about this since I have completely fell out of contact with her. At the time I was in denial about such feelings and for goo reason. I had never met her. I was maybe eighteen, young and full of crazy thoughts and dreams. Outwardly I brooded, ranted about Nietzsche but pronounced it Neez-Chi and had no idea what I fool I must have sounded. But it was okay, for I was as dark and edgy as a white middle class teenager could be.And when I was alone I laughed, I danced and I sang a song. I imagined lofty rainbows and the dragons who lived there. But I wanted to be someone else completely. And I still do. And I never will know myself... and I was just realizing this at that time, another fit of deniel. And it came from all sides in those years. Over flowing the banks of The Nile.
And than there was Myspace, and I made my account and wrote blogs and blogs, piling my secrets out there for all to see. in hindsight it was probably a mistake. I never should have made such confessions, not because people shouldn't have known or that I never wanted them to... this story is not about that girl though. No, if I started in a bout her than there could never be an end.
This story is about when I was young, when I first discovered the internet and had no idea what to make of it. I still dont. I was on Myspace, and I sent messages to everyone. To everyone, everyone in the world. And they ignored my cryptic madness almost entirely. Except one. She responded, and we talked, and we talked and talked and than we exchanged AOL Screen Names. And I told the secret. But we were friends, and at the time I didn't know it but I loved her, only later would I suspect. She lived halfway across the country, we'd never meet in person. Her pictures were myspacisque so it was rare to see her entire face. But if i recall correctly it was the most beautiful face ever.
She seemed neurotic and disillusioned at the time, but she took to denial eagerly. I was the same way.
We talked of the fantastic, we spoke of the dragons we had in our care, of our adventures with time travel, saving the day from sinister boxlike forces. Sometimes I'd imagine there was more to these conversations some sort of metaphor, they were nothing but fun games though. I'd never enjoyed anothers company as much. I constantly looked forward to our speaking. Gradually she contacted me less and less, and i would send her a greeting more and more. This hurt me in a way... I felt as if she took me for granted, or worse. Sometimes we mentioned our lives. Neither of us had a clue of what we were to do with ourselves. She was a few years older than I in community college and working at a place where people would buy desert. I was as insane as ever at the time. My secret had consumed me, than chewed me to bits and would leave me more heartbroken than any thing else could. But at the time I was in such a fantasy world, such a daze and yet I'd never been so aware of reality before in my life.
And we still spoke in those days and we world for a few years. And I thought she was the greatest person ever, and every single problem that arose gave me great concern. Her well being was very important to me, and I still didn't believe I loved her. And she almost never greeted me on the chat. She mentioned boyfriends... and I felt little or no jealousy. Even at my worst I'd rarely feel strong jealousy... only later perhaps, but even than I had come to my conclusion, softened the fall I knew I'd make.
I had a dream, a wretched vision one night. The worst nightmare I could ever have. And there was no monster, no beast stalking me through the nigh. No, there was her, and she was as lovely as ever... except for one thing. She made it clear in that dream, she said, "You need to leave me alone, you bring nothing but trouble. I don't want you bothering me anymore." And I woke up terrified. I could have cried, if that was my way. I quickly went on line and nearly got into an argument with her. I asked why she was mad at me, why she didn't want to be my friend. I had been thrown into fits insanity. And it was the worst thing ever. If she hadn't felt like she was dealing with some crazed stalker before she certianly should have than. At it was than when I realized I must have loved her, but also I knew it was a silly love. That it would never work and I had to accept that. But we could still be friends. And she talked about the guy she seemed to to like, and I was happy. For I would have been content with her happiness and after all I was insane and had nothing to offer her. I knew why I had been in denial of my feelings for her for so long, and that was for a number of reasons. One I was out of my mind, and she may have been as well for all I knew, for no other reason than because she'd still respond to my messages. She doesn't anymore now... that's fine. But she spoke of this guy and perhaps for once I felt a little bit of jealousy. She would say he was a rich kid, from a family of money. He had one of those deals where his family kept a stash away for him, a trust fund. And like William S. Burroughs he chose to put that money into drugs, naturally. She complained, she cried of his misdeeds. How he'd use drugs in dangerous levels, it made him erratic, probably more unpredictable than even I. But I defended this man, because I didn't want her to suspect that I loved her. I could never have that, and she would never have that either. I was destined to become a bum, I am destined for it and all I've ever had to offer is disappointment. She never showed the slightest interest in anything more than friendship. If she had ever felt anything close to what I felt for her than maybe something could have been made of it.
I felt like a creeper, a stalker... and that is how some such creatures are born. Others may be perverts, but some feel an unrequited love. And they wish for that thing they can't have. But for that very same reason, letting go... isn't that something I can do? Haven't I don't that before, only with the secret... but I never really did. No, you take than painful thorn and you stab it deeply into your flesh and hid it from everyone and everything best you can. So i never let go, but perhaps I appear as if i have... and that's good enough for the world. But inside it breeds insanity... is that a bad thing, for insanity is the manure from which art grows.
She became a rare sight on AOL. I was on less and less myself. I spoke to her last summer, it was late in summer, might have even registered as early fall. Summer of 2010. Before my brother shot himself and I was pushed to homelessness. To the brink I've always said I wanted to be brought to. But really, never thought I would. And so perhaps it was even for the best. And yet still, I send her a facebook friend request. I have no idea why I'd do such a horrible thing. It's just that things have been so dismal as of late and there has never been a person who could cheer me up as quickly and as well as she once could. I hope she doesn't accept it though. Because she deserves that happiness that she's always been searching for... and even as a friend, all I can offer is disappointment.

I wish I could say that I'll never fall in love again. It was the most horrifyingly terrible experience ever. But knowing my luck it's bond to happen. And I'll feel desperately anxious and disgraceful about the whole thing just as I did before. As if I must bring the greatest gift and I have nothing to give.

I dreamnt someone shot me... then they killed my family. When I woke I got a phone call. The man on the other line said he was going to come and beat the shit out of me, maybe even kill me. So I hid beneath the floor boards. That's were I'm going to stay now.

It's been suggested that I call the police... yeah, well there is a problem with that. You see the man in my dream that killed my family was a police opfficer. The man who called me... also a member of the force. They're out to get me.I shouldn't have stole all the pens from the bank... the blood bank that is.

If you hold your breath for too long, you will turn gay.

.
/* */

Smithing. Is is sexy? Specifically woman who smith, you know crafting things out of metal. Tools, weapons, horseshoes, whatever. Or is the only hot stove you'd want your lady working over the one in the kitchen?
But think about all the sexy things they could smith. All sorts of kinky toys and shit. Us it a good idea to play a game of horseshoes using your erection the peg? No... no it is not.

My perfect date would revolve around playing a game of Army Men. But how do you play Army Men? That is a question children a have struggled with for years. And whatever conclusion they came up with is wrong. They can never truly enjoy the game, you need to be in love to enjoy this game... and at restaurant. So it's date night, what can you do to make this a night to remember? If your girlfriend/boyfriend truly loved you they'd understand that the key to your heart is little plastic figures that waving firearms about. So bring twelve or sixteen of these guys with you to the restaurant. So while you're ordering and waiting for your meal it is time to discretely play ARMY MEN! But the objective isn't to actually play, or to defeat the other player in some strategic campaign. No the point is to play with little plastic toys in a restaurant without any other patrons or employees noticing what you are doing.
If one of you is caught they're the ones to pay for the meal!

This place sucks anyway. Half the people here are in wheel chairs and expect me to help them out. But I can't do everything, so they get pissed. Now I've been banished. Exiled. But the only ride back to my home state has a problem. Faulty brakes. So I may not get back home so soon, I may be delayed by death. Also the people kicking me out of here know that the ride I'm taking is exceptionally dangerous, and they wont pay to fix the cars brakes. They don't really care if I live or die or anyone else that will be in that car lives or dies.

Anyway, I sense impending doom. Even if I survive the trip, or stay here I'm still going to die of hypothermia before the winter is through.