I heard a car driving up the drive way, I'm not sure how late it was but it was definately dark out, and yet when I stepped out on the balcony and light grey Sudan that was parking in the dirt driveway I could see a woman very clearly in one of the windows. She smiled or perhaps waved at me. Being the timid and avoident fool that I am I quickly moved into my bedroom, hiding from the unexpected company, including the beautiful young lady. She appeared to be a year or so younger than me.

I lay in bed, huddled under blankets waiting for the people to leave. There was no point in introducing myself to these strangers. I didn't even know who they were. But I heard someone at my door way, I looked over and there she was. She wore a black jacket or hoodie, under that a magenta shirt, and pale jeans. I do believe she had a piercing somewhere on her face, perhaps an eyebrow pierced or her lip.
I did not expect this blatant invasion of my privacy and I found quite offensive.
She asked me about myself, how ling I had lived in this town. I only responded bluntly, annoyed at her prying.
"I am trying to sleep!" I said clearly and loudly.
"Oh, I'm sorry." She said, "I will return another time than." She lied, I didn't know it was a lie at the time but once I realized the content I knew it to be true.

and than it all faded away, and I was in my bed, in another world. Everything in the room was set up differently, but it was the same room. I laughed, chuckled at what I had said. "I was trying to sleep! I WAS TRYING TO SLEEP!" It had been a dream, i didn't even know it. But I never have reoccurring dreams... she lied, that figment of my subconscious lied to me! Bah, I don't need friends anyway, especially imaginary ones.

So some girl sent me a message from the internet who actually lives in the next town over. I actually get a lot of messages if you're willing to believe that. I'm on many sites and if you're in enough places you're going to end up catching the attention of at least a few people.

And at this point all I expect is to make friends but there are a lot of sites out there that say they're about making new friends but I get all these messages from the opposite sex. And I'm not entirely sure they're on the same page.

I've taken the MBTI Test, I'm an INTP, we're not exactly the most open and trusting types. Introverted, iNtuitive, Thinking, Perceiving... nerdy, phlegmatic, imaginative, objective, anxious, awkward and distrustful. But now that all my friends have gone off to do other things far from where I live I've been hoping I'd somehow make new friends. Since my brother's death The closest people to me that I consider friends live as far away as Portland, that's like a forty minute drive.

So when I get a friend request from a person the next town over I find myself going against every instinct to meet them. Do I think they're dangerous? No, not at all. But I don't think that they really want to meet me. And it makes sense, I'm the guy, she's the girl. I'm a couple years older... she has every right to be distrustful of me. But I want to meet this girl because they seem nice, I suppose... or maybe I'm just desperate. Not for love, but for a friendship. To actually speak with a person face to face, someone who is around my age.

I just wish she'd actually send me a message or try and take a little initiative. It makes me feel like a creeper if I'm the only one trying to contact her. I'm afraid if I try too hard that's what she'll think and i couldn't live with that. That's why so many of my friendships fail, I have to give them space... and than before i know it that space has grown into such a void that I can no longer make the effort to cross it. It was hard enough for me before.

So I find myself being assertive in this case and it feels so unnatural. I want to meet them in person, but is it really that important? She contacted me first, it was the only way I'd have talked to her, and it's a part of the reason why i can continue to do so for now. We did agree to meet but it was a mess, and it didn't really happen. I went to the spot, I knew she had gotten the message but I don't think she ever intended to meet. I think it was too short notice though, but what if she has decided that it's not worth it to meet me in person. Maybe I've come off too strong and creeped her out.

In our online dialogues she comes off as amiable and says I think too much. She said "If you don't want to meet up, I understand." in our last conversation. And now I'm over thinking again. To me, this is projection, she doesn't want to meet me and she's saying so by suggesting I wouldn't want to meet up with her.

No, I can't give into such pessimism, I will try to keep in contact with her until she says straight up with me that she doesn't want anything to do with me. I will ignore my fears this time! I suspect that when we meet though, friendship will be the best result. Back to the myers briggs assessment. I haven't asked her to take the test. I'd rather get to know her from being with her and talking to her than to start from the test. Though I can't help but speculate....

So that was my angsty journal entry for the season. I hate when I start getting my hopes up. But if I don't try to suppress my cynicism and bitterness than I'll never grow as a person, and I'll never discover the reason that i am compelled to keep at it. There is a reason.

I walked 175 miles, from the small city of Bath Maine... well, as far as Maine is concerned Bath is a city. I walked from Bath to Boston, no there isn't a Boston in Maine, you know the one. So Where am I now? Back in Maine, the walks over, that was about a week ago. What did I see, experience, witness and learn? I'm afraid that I didn't learn much. I mean I don't regret it, it was the most amazing experience in my life. I still support the cause. Maybe the lesson was that I wasn't supposed to grow from it, that I was simply helping send a message out to help and save hundreds of people suffering in the Fukushima prefect. And yet I felt as if I was on the verge of learning something, like I was missing out on a personal lesson... like things were supposed to change and be different. And when I came back there wasn't anything different about this place. It was the same anxiety, the same madness, the same apathy and I'm caught flailing in the middle of it without knowing what my part really is in this crazy game.

There is another walk, one out in California and I feel i need to go out there. It's anti-nuclear and I guess that it's a sensible thing to support. Even though for years I leaned toward pro-nuke for energy use. Of course learning about the risks is one thing, but also learning that they have no where to put the nuclear waste and that their predictions about recycling and dismantling the waste is less that hopeful. Makes me re-analyze my previous views. So I can get behind the protest. But can I afford the plane ticket to California, yeah I think I could scrap something up, airliner fees? Yeah, that's an entirely different story. I have no idea what else they'll try to charge me for and for how much. And When I say I can afford the ticket, I'm being a bit hopeful about that, i expect it will cost me just about everything for the ticket. So forget luggage, forget that delicious although sometimes horrible airliner food. But when it is horrible, it's horribly delicious. I think I'll just go out there with the clothes on my back... though, apparently completely nude otherwise.

I went on this last walk with pretty much nothing. I gathered supplies along the way from helpful and very charitable hands. And people called me unprepared, how could I possibly be unprepared. This is my home, I was born in Duxbury Massachusetts, I have family all across New England, I know Route one from Augusta to Boston like the back of my hand. I know the back roads in central coastal Maine like the back of my hand and the streets of Boston and it's suburbs like the back of my other hand. I was born prepared. California on the other hand... yeah, never been there, don't know anyone there and I know absolutely nothing about the place. There better be a hell of a lot of charitable and helpful hands out there.

From Maine. It's sort of a protest walk. An awareness walk, to remind people that things in Fukushima are still pretty bad. Wont be taking my laptop with me, so I'll be pretty much off the grid. Although it's important what these people are trying to say and do here, a big part of it for me is to try and do this, to make it all the way to Boston, by foot. To get away from what I'm used to and take in something different. I'm not doing anything better with my time. So it's a two week long walk, if i make it all the way, if I don't chicken out or crack and run home with my tail between my legs, I'll be at the Japanese Embassy in Boston in one fortnight.

I'll try and find computers along the way, because everyone knows that they are save points.

I'm going to listen to this whole album. Will it make me love or hate humanity. Who can ever really know. Personally, I think I'm in the mood for some dark disco.

After listening to this album, I think I suddenly became Christian. Yup, definitely a Christian now. I can feel the spirit within, it feels kind like a tapeworm infestation. I like it.

Doesn't count because I didn't upload it here on the audio portal. Kill it like the rest!!! I realize that anyone could probably mess with the song from that link. Feel free to.
But if that's not enough, here's another for you thrill seekers out there.

It was a negligible loss for The Butterscotch Society when frontman, Allen Yokes decided he was through with the band. He's cast aside his duties as a vocalist, lyricist and liberal arts college drop out. Fellow band members had this to say, Guitarist Kenny Jester-Jones, "He used to be cool, man. I remember those days, drinking pabst blue ribbon and arguing over which bands were newer and therefor cooler." Jester-Jones than proceeded to shrug and chug a beer, he followed this action with belching loudly. It is this reporters opinion that this manner of behavior is disgusting... and by that I mean the dead panned sarcasm, egotism and narcisism not the beer guzzling. I spend many a night drinking myself into a stupor, crying over the assignments my editor gives me. Well, as long as he does his job and manages to take out any of my ranting that slips into this article than I guess we're fine. What was i writing about? Oh right, stupid indie bands nobody gives a fuck about, that's what. God I hate my editor.
It's reported that Allen Yokes and Kenny Jester-Jones had a bit of a falling out over the direction that the band was taking. They cited on there website just last yesterday morning that Yokes left the band over artistic differences. Their manager, had this to say. "Fuck 'em, and everyone who listens to this insincere shit."
It's reported that the only person who might care about the music that the band makes is Gus Azure, the drummer. "Sometimes I wonder why those guys jockeying for the limelight and bragging rights put more effort into writing good music rather than measuring their dicks. Than I remember that I'm really not that great at this whole drumming thing, I'm lucky to be in a band at all, especially one with some studio backing!"
Yes, The Butterscotch Society was a band that a studio looked at and felt it was a good idea to get into their warehouse of a studio to create deaf defying music. Here's how the argument between Guitarist Kenny Jester-Jones and Allen Yokes probably went, "Oh, you like that band? Really?" Jester-Jones stated after looking through Allen Yokes ipod. "Yeah, what of it, you introduced me to that band." rebuffs Allen Yokes. "Yeah, like eight months ago, they've totally sold out by now." Kenny Jester-Jones says with snark as he tosses Allen Yokes's ipod back at him. The ipod smacks allen Yokes in his smug face. "Ow, hey man, you know what band really sold out, The Butterscotch Society, that's the band who's really sold out! Yeah, what the fuck man. Our band has just finished up our first real studio album and now look at us, about to head across country to tour the cities and..."
Guitarist Jester-Jones interrupts, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up. It was your fucking idea to sign up with a label!"
But Allen is not deterred. "Yeah, of course it was my idea. Because it would be IRONIC, duh. But you know what else would be ironic, not being signed up to a label. Ever think of that!"
Kenny Jester-Jones cannot immediately think up a response to that pile of asinine. Sure he only has one brain cell but that still more than Allen Yokes. "Do you even know what the meaning of irony is?"
"Do you even know that I'm about to punch you in the stupid face with my stupid fists!" And than they both began to brawl. Right on the tour van. Until the fucking van swerved off the road, off a cliff toward a fiery crash of angry vengeance. But hey, that's how I choose to believe it unfolded. I still have a few dreams left.

Oh, and by the way, I'm not a columnist and as far as I know The Butterscotch Society is not a real band.

I'm making a new post now. It's going to be an amazing post. You know why? Because all it's going to be about is how awesome this post is. Listen, you heard it here first, this is the best post ever. Go on, keep making your silly little posts, don't mind me. I'm just writing the greatest post ever written right here, right now. But you know what, no one will even realize how great this post is. Look at you sitting there thinking. "Oh, sure, this is really the GRREEAAAATEST post EVOOORR made?" With sarcasm and all that? the kind of sarcasm that wants to cut like a dull blade into the hearts of lesser posts. But you know you can't touch this post. Not even with an fifteen inch long erect penis. Yeah, that's right. You think this post is sexy? Damn straight you do. That's too bad, because this post is just too good for you.

Damn this is a narcissistic bitch of a post. Even I think it is. But it just kicked me in the balls and told me it was better than I could ever be. Please stop this post, you're out of control and you're hurting me. Why, oh god why? How could I have created this monster? Please someone help me before it's too late.

Nope, sorry, it's too late. Now the post has taken over the world and crushed all resistance. That kind of sucks. Guess we can all just go back to our lives. Or what's left of them at least. Not that the meager existence we are forced to face every day is in anyway related to this tyrannical post of awesome, no... that's just fantasy. The part were this post is the end all, be all of the universe. No, that's just concerning this universe, the universe within the post. No, but let's get fucking existantial for a moment. If the post will let us. Look around, is your life sufficiant as it is? Are you longing for something more? Does it feel empty, insignificant and otherwise depressing? Sure does! Well, this post doesn't feel that way. so it is better than you I guess. Aw, don't cry, buck up, and suck up, and...

Now excuse me I think it's time to have a winner's dinner.

Tomorrow is my birthday.

Has the acid started to kick in yet? Doesn't matter, Japan wants you tripping right now!

Well, I suppose this is tame by Japan standards... is it? Really? Or maybe... maybe this is actually the result of that whole nuclear meltdown at the Fukushima power plant. For some reason I can't help to think the two have to be related.