So I may have a week or so before I'm truly homeless. Why? Becuase August Ninth is my birthday! I argued the point that throwing a guy out on his ass ,on his god damned birthday. Well, that's just unacceptable. And my hippie landlords like, "Okay, sure." I bet if I hadn't contacted the guy he wouldn't have even realized I was out of cash and jobless and all that shit. He just would have been out where ever he smokes his ganja talking about how the poor get poorer and the rich richer, and how the poor man is always getting screwed... while he reaps a fortune off of how many tenants are under his foot. Hippies are such hypocrites... hippiecrites.

I also talked with my dad. Said I needed to give up on being an artist and get a real job. I told him I'd get into the adult entertainment industry. I want to work at a sex shop or something, I'm nearly twenty-three and I'm still rebelling against my parents. I'm not going to deny it, I'm immature as fuck but at least I don't give a shit.

Anyone who has known me in real life knows that me and my father have some very strong philosophical differences. We may share a little bit of common ground, as nearly everyone does. But, I'm a social oriented libertarian. I tend to side with democrats on a lot of issues... except for guns, and capital punishment, and.. the existence of government. He's a registered republican. Thought George Bush was a good president. ...yeah, need I say more? He is all Christian now, he used to drink, and work. And I never saw him when I was a little one. Abandonment issues? Maybe a little. But I think the big reason why I have problem is when my mom and dad split up... well, when my mom left him. He and her had a lot of nasty arguments before that. He was definitely emotionally abusive to her, though I can't say I ever recallhim hitting her or anything like that. About a week or so after she left at our newplace of residance he left a splendid little call on the new answering machine. You know the typical formalities, small talk and death threats you'd expect.

And now he's cleaned up, found God and everything is okay. Yet he'll still talk shit about her, and on the rare occasions when they do talk he will talk shit to her. Everything in the world is her fault. I mean you'd think a born again Christian would be all about forgiveness, you know... because that was like, Jesus's big lesson or something. Other than that, my dad is generally a pretentious, arrogant asshole. And because of that we can not get along, because I am also a pretentious arrogant asshole... but in all the ways he is not. He judges, I mock. He's believes in everything, I believe in nothing. He values morals, I value freedoms. I have no common ground with this person. If you were to ask us both to define what life is, beyond the condition of life. What is the meaning of life? Our answers would be completely different.

the great thing about not having a computer is the ability to break away from the reverse big brother effect. Sure taking in information isn't a bad thing but when you're glued to it, than you're trapped. And you have to be careful. Most of what the media and entertainment industry feeds you is junk food. I love and hate art, music, the classics... what made them great. Can I create something as great? Probably not... I want to be in a punk band, because I think it fits my philosophy, but it just doesn't fit my energy or my disposition. I may be a nihilist, and perhaps I'm a bit of an anarchist. But I lack the energy and I'm not the one to get up there and scream profanities... not for sincere purposes at least.

People say they want honesty, they want sincerity... haha, No... they obviously don't want that. I don't even feel the need to explain. Look at our religion, our government and our culture. None of that says truth to me.

also I accidentally deleted a comment. Oh well.

Lars is now dead. My laptop is gone. It was finally time to pull the plug on that computer.

It has been slowly dying for the past couple weeks. My brother took it apart to find the problem... but it was not easily taken apart. Pretty sure he just tore it to pieces like one tears a part the map that reveals were they hide there secret treasure

I do not think I'll be getting that back together any time sure. To make matters worse (or better depending on your perspective) I will soon be without residency. Looks like I'll be traveling the countryside as a wandering minstrel. It will rock, and I will probably die.

But first, I think I'll head for Pen Island.

Oh right... the story continues... Meanwhile a reporter arrives, from nowhere. The reporter and lobs a fireball. Suddenly a timid pirate arrives and attacks this antagonist. Then a cynical psychic starts barking orders. Just then, in walks a limping assassin. At this point the spacey street vendors start shouting, their accents unintelligible. Have you met the surly lawyer?

The scene changes, and a timid ninja arrives and attacks your spouse. and while you're questioning whether or not you have a spouse a different well-meaning ninja begins interrogating a secondary character. His name is Clyde... but which one?

Elsewhere a cynical crone requests a lift from our lovable arsonist/reporter. it is learned that the Pirate and the first ninja are the same person. And all the characters agree... Clearly, it is time for a ticker-tape parade. But it would surely be ruined by an infestation of goats. They all nod solemnly.

Without warning the person you mentioned briefly in chapter 2 arrives, bleeding from multiple stab wounds. The arsonist/reporter is immediately the prime suspect. a terrified jogger arrives and whispers to a secondary character. As usual the secondary character keeps this secret. Just then the detective ninja arrives on the scene, It's only amount of time before he learns the truth.

The scene changes, and a ninja arrives, waving a newspaper. But which one?

At this juncture a farmer arrives. Is he related to the arsonist? he shakes his head. This suggests he is not related to the arsonist/reporter. He than quietly leaves... while raking leaves. The remaining characters look at each other with awe and disgust.

Suddenly our protagonist's sidekick asks for the time. The question goes unanswered. And we're left to wonder... who is the protagonist? And since when does he have a sidekick? The Arsonist/Reporter declines to give an answer. The secondary character likely knows more than what he is sharing knows. The detective ninja knows not what he os searching for. The other ninja has long since been dead. His murderer barely wears a cape and cap.

Clearly, it is time for that ticker-tape parade. The goats wait impatiently. There sadistic eyes reflect the worlds sin and the putrid smell from their mouths escalate with there excitement. It brings a certain unease to the air. We must wait for this conclusion.

The paranoid jogger requests a favor from your protagonist's sidekick. The sidekick disregards his request and asks him for the time. The paranoid jogger, all too weary quickens his pace and disappears into the mist. The Sidekick is left alone. He's running out of time, and he knows it.

Meanwhile the street vendors are in hysterics. I can't understand there screeching, I don't even know what language they're speaking. Make them stop. At this point a cheery shopper's head explodes.

a farmer arrives and offers his/her help. But which one? The Arsonist/Reporter is happy to except the help. He needs someone to drag the bodies after all. Three hours later... Without warning a barbarian arrives, carrying a torch. The Arsonist/Reporters mouth waters. They are destined to have tantric fiery sex. But which one?

Suddenly a timid street vendor starts to hit on your protagonist's sidekick. The sidekick doesn't understand. He does not speak this language. It does not stop him from asking if they know the time. This scene also ends with tantric sex... but not involving who you think it would involve.

We finally meet our protagonist. She is a shy woman has shaggy strawberry-blonde hair, hazel eyes and a barely noticeable birthmark. She wears a green nightgown. Here accent is foriegn and her ways are strange... they are the street vender ways. She is irrelivant to the story. We must concern ourselves with the real heroes.

Only Easter eggs can save this story. But it's well past easter. The paranoid jogger runs past the detective agency Ninja #2, AKA Detective Ninja, wellmeaning ninja... whatever, he has got a new partner, an elderly man of wit and grace. At this point the wisecracking geezer begins interrogating your protagonist's spouse. But which one?

The Sidekick and secondary character meet. The sidekick asks for the time. The secondary character refuses to expose such sensitive information. The argument continues. What is that jogger running from?

And so a disturbed priest arrives and reveals a secret about the person you mentioned briefly in chapter 2. The sidekick is distracted trying to figure out the time, the secondary character takes in the information. Nothing is gained, and the priest will soon be dead.

Suddenly your protagonist's mother arrives, waving a newspaper. She is swatting at flies. Ninja detective is fishing for red hearings. Secondary Characters lips are sealed. Sidekick is standing by the town clock, he's missing his glasses and can't read it. The mysterious jogger is halfway across the country. The protagonist is lost at the parade in a horde of goats and street venders. I do not even know where the Arsonist Reporter is now... anyone I forgot to mention is already dead.

The end.

I've been doing animal facts. I pretty much make bullshit animal facts.

Send me your questions in letter form. Give me a name and address... I don't even care if it's your name or your address either. It's a part of the gag, I read that Micheal from Worcester Massachusetts sent me a letter asking, "Do peacocks have pea cocks?" and than I answer with some sort of explanation such as, "OF COURSE!!!" or whatever.

Seams like that time again.
Time for animal facts.
Contrarily to popular belief the anteater actually detests ants.
The walrus is a made up animal, invented to strike fear into the hearts of pirates everywhere.
Thanks to their mystical understanding of calculators, canaries make excellent accountants.
That is all, this has been Animal Facts with Eric Chandel

Time for animal facts.
The snowy owl is one of the few birds that travels to tahiti for it's vacations.
All sea cucumbers are fluent in French.
Police officers in San Diego have been struggling with a lack of funding and mass casualties while they attempt to deal with the recent crime increase attributed to the hamster mafia.
This has been your host Eric Chandel,You have been watching Animal Facts.

Those are some examples of my animal facts. Might record and submit a few to the audio portal. Or maybe make a flash cartoon out of it. If I could install flash on this computer. But I'm not sure I have the space on this thing... also I'm not artist or animator, so I probably couldn't get my shit together to make a cartoon. It's hard work. Hard work I don't have.

Nevermind.

All I can say is... I can't even.

Don't expect much.

charger dying.

insane.

As long as I am careful...

I might be able.

very slowly.

slowly.

I refuse to awaken.

be mistaken.

for anyone.

robot.

Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink.
Water, water everywhere how the boards did shrink.
Air, air everywhere, but not a breath to take.
Air, air everywhere, what is it that's at stake.
Dirt, dirt everywhere but not a place to stand
Dirt dirt everywhere across this eroded land.
Fire, fire everywhere and now the world must end.
Fire, fire everywhere and no way to end the trend.

I am going to a wedding this weekend. I haven't decided on whether or not I will bring the laptop. I am a bit paranoid about ol' Lars here. He's getting up there in age, he's nearly five years old now. In computer years that's down right venerable. My computer is a saint among computers. But enough about Lars, what have we to say of this wedding business...

One of my old chums from high school is getting married, his name is David. He is getting married to someone I haven't even really talked to, I think her name is Chelsea though. And my other chums will be there, the ones I knew from high school and D&D games. Seems like smooth sealing to me... unless there be sharks, sharks would make chum out of us. Also tonight is the Bachelors party... which will consist of an Epic Level D&D game. Starting level thirty. I' going to play a bard... for obvious reasons. But honestly... I am only mildly thrilled. I've grown tired of these table top RPGs, and they get even more dull after you get past level six.

But it's what my friends wanted to do, so I approve, and I will play this game. As the nefarious... something or other.

Maybe I should add a bit more concerning the wedding. Personally, I think it's great. The day after is my brothers birthday... I'm sure I'll be able to get back for that. So this weekend I will get to enjoy both wedding cake and birthday cake. I lost my ID but I doubt they'll card at the reception. Regardless I really should find that thing... eventually. But it'll be cool. I'm not one of the groomsmen. But... that's okay... they got the cheapest tuxes, so they'll all be suffering in the heat. So I will not only be able to enjoy peoples excitement and happiness... but also their torture.

I couldn't get a wedding gift because I'm poor, so I'll feel kind of bad about that. I joked I was going to get them a cloth hanger, because the bride to be is pregnant. No one laughed. Okay... one person laughed. I will not name names, just in case David reads this and decides the joke was not funny. Because he could definitely kick my ass. And he could beat me and everyone else I know in a fight. Because all my friends are nerds and pacifists. Well, except maybe Jimmy... he's a nerd... but the kind of nerd that became a black belt. But that's neither here nor there. Except that person will be at the wedding as well, so I suppose if things turn into a brawl than we will see who walks out the victor.

Wedding turned warfare?

Especially this one. Jerkcity. That link is on random by the way, so as part of this little game why don't you post in the comments what you think the underlining currents of the comic you just read was about? I'd like to read them.

I would like to know... was there ever a point in time when cock jokes weren't a necessary to the fabric of the internet. Did you know that the first webpage on the internet can be found here? Or maybe that's just a tribute to the first website. I'm not entirely certian but what I am sure of is that you were expecting something cock related. For instance The Buzzcocks... cock in the name? Read the wiki, you'll find that the term cock is supposedly used between friends in some circles... or at least at the time in Manchester it was. Not so sure about that. Would you call your best friend a cock? I know I would.

And I'm sure you're asking yourself right now. What ever happened to those guys... those cocks I used to call friends. Well I can tell you where they're not... SAFE!!!

He looks refreshed and relaxed while drinking his morning cup of coffee. Another lovely day in the neighborhood... except for the zombies but... yeah... we don't talk about them anymore.

lolwut?

Back when I didn't know the difference between "their" and "there" apparently. But liked reading my old stuff... sometimes. Also short hair? WTF!!!

If you send me a witty PM than you will get... NOTHING!!! Is that enough incentive to get you to try?

.
/* */
The noble gazelle had been wandering the dry and dusty savanah all morning seeking a watering hole. He eventually found one glistening by a few tangling trees. He cautiously approached the spot,, hesitant to take a few sips of water. After no more than a few slurps of water the noticed something in the corner of his eye. He turned to look to see a pack of hyenas who began laughing and yapping. He didn't pause for more than a moment before he leaped away. They didn't pursue they just kept yammering and yipping.

Alright so I was riding around on my bike on the fourth, I try to get a good bike ride in at least once a week to prevent myself from becoming a lard-ass. Only thing was I had forgotten to bring any water, and I hadn't had anything to drink all day. It was hot, and dry... and I was starting to feel the thirst. So I started heading for the park. I knew they had to have water fountains. So I went there, found the fountian, it was for kids though, I guess this is where they typically play sports or something. so I had to kneel down on my knees to drink, and for plumbing the water sort of just trickled to the ground so it puddled up around my knees. Ruining EVERYTHING!!! And to make matters worse as soon as i got up from my drink there were people standing next to me. This one girl I don't know if she had a ball or a frisbee but she was talking at me.
"Hey, we were waiting for someone, but they haven't gotten here yet..." i kind of got the jist of it but I was terrorfied and confused, taken off guard.
"So, huh... I was just biking. You need someone for your game?" I said as I jumped on my bike, not really able to say if I was able to play or not.
She was like, "Yeah, so..." But by than I was already peddling away like I was trying to escape for my life. I felt like such a dork. I still can't talk to strangers without running for the door.

Unrelated related pic:

My post is here today.

Music is the only thing that matters.